In making a decision to specialize this publication and focus on sex and autism, I'm realizing that my oeuvre --observing the thrill and poignancy in the ordinary-- is going to fall by the wayside. Certainly there is that kind beauty in sex, intimacy, and connection, and I will tend toward pointing it out. However with sex it is subjective. So to make some utility out of this direction, today my topic is Authentic Connection, which is essential for myself for uncomplicated, fulfilling sex.
As an autistic person I struggle with sincere connection.
I know as an autistic person I struggle with sincere connection. When I do connect with someone I trust, I usually want to keep that connection open and pure. The conditions of autism have gotten in the way of that in the past. Here's a couple of examples: First, I had a sweet friend, Bebe, from a long time ago (back in the wild days before I was even married to my ex husband) that I thought I would be besties with forever. I entered an unidentified grieving process (in hindsight) when she followed her dream and moved far away, and distance made communication difficult. We had a fight. A year later we reconciled. I visited, and while she was the same, our relationship never would be. I was too inexperienced with healthy relationships, and didn't have the vocabulary to navigate the Big Feelings or my childhood abandonment trauma. The input of my allistic husband didn’t help. He was oblivious to my social, sensory, and emotional struggles-- because I didn't know the nature of them myself! This is the reality for so many of us who went unidentified in the seventies and eighties. No tools, just stress, hurt, conflict, confusion, and shame. (Many of us unwittingly hid a major disability for DECADES by masking and self-repression, believing we were bad or defective. Another topic, for another time.)
The second example is fresh: Finn and I had a misperception the other morning. I was frustrated with a tech interface that was giving me trouble and not ready to receive interaction about his object of focus (lemons and the painting of them.) I apparently have a flat, direct affect most of the time so when I am frustrated or angry it gives off a lot of intensity. Finn’s trauma history is triggered by intensity so I'm learning to share as I am intensifying to reassure him that it's not his fault and has nothing to do with him. He was escalating his input about his lemons, which I read as anxiety about my intensity. I wasn't accurate in that reading. We eventually and gently worked it out, but it was still a difficult and mutually autistic moment. In this example it is two aware and intelligent people working with these traits and we still didn’t quite get it right. So, even in low-stakes, basic interaction, relating is difficult— now multiply that by sex, to the 10th power!
So, even in low-stakes, basic interaction, relating is difficult— now multiply that by sex, to the 10th power!
For me, authentic connection has come down to whether or not I'm masked, and if I am, how heavily? I don't mask with Finn. He's known from day one that I'm an autistic person. I don't have to stifle my stims or attempt to project a demeanor. There have been a small number of people in my life I have felt safe enough to not mask with. These are my authentic relationships. When I was doing a clinical rotation at uni around the time of Y2K, I had the pleasure of working with a boy with Asperger's (now known as ASD-1) whose mum had raised him in an environment where he had to mask very little, if at all. I've never met a more sincere, guileless, or funny chap in my life. He didn't know how to be anyone other than himself. His difficulty was with peers and employment. He could not make himself operate by the social norms of his workplace. Even though I understood he shouldn't have to compromise, I still couldn't comprehend why he didn't just pretend (didn't we all, anyway?) and keep his head down in order to earn some money. (I followed up years later; he flourished as an artisan and his lovely mum supported him until he was able to open a shop. He earned an authentic life. His mother was a wise woman.)
This is not the sexiest post about sex nor is it very sexy advice. To further compare, those of us fortunate to discover masturbation without shame, trauma, or guilt may have had awesome sexual experiences, alone-- because we were alone, not stymied by social interaction, and in control of the private environment. It is with the partners that I have felt safe enough to be completely open with that I have had connection with. It is quite simple; maybe even obvious. In 12 step recovery circles, a mantra to newcomers is "let people get to know you." The first place I ever felt like I belonged was with Adult Children of Alcoholics women, and though I haven't attended in a long time, I remember all of those women and the immediacy and genuineness of our connections. It was easy to let people get to know me in that context.
Not the be-all and end-all on this topic, to be clear. Finn and I enjoy the connection we fell into. We’ve thus far focused on what’s good and we heed feedback— and tend to talk while we’re having sex. I often talk about sex because it is a special interest, so it stays in our consciousness. There’s plenty of room left for what is thrilling and poignant, and other ways we honor the connection besides getting freaky. I would love to hear what others could share with me on authentic connection, so I am leaving comments open.
Thank you for writing this! I understand what you're talking about with intimate connection and how troublesome communication can be at times. Authentic connection is something which I've striven for too, and found, on many occasions--bonus points if it's all with the same individual. And sometimes intimacy doesn't have to involve sex, and can be even better than just sex alone.
Yes... especially me, being so literal and at-face-value, I've always had a tendency to misinterpret normal interaction as some type of intimacy. I find eye contact very intimate. This makes actual non-sexual intimacy just as good as the physical gyrations!